Dear readers: this is the first official installment of our strange fiction series. ENDARKENATOR is a far-out story by one of the most deranged and beautiful minds of our generation, Matthew Howard Stull, a good friend of us BAD WITCHES editors and a really bad-ass wizard artist rock star if there ever was one. — If you’ve got strange fiction that you’d like us to publish, go on and send it to badwitcheseditor@gmail.com.
ENDARKENERATOR II
Being the Manifestation of Mad insane visions of oblivion stacks of Delusion and wind-chapped eyelids of Future Tropical Nightmare Palaces soon Mirrored.
Kenneth-Michael and Komputorr
Kenneth-Michael was pretty much tired of everything. He was sick of it all. He was sick of the fact that it was still virtually impossible to find a store in the mall that sells chainsaws that can cut through time like it’s a pile of wet ham salad languishing in the noonish sun of early September.
And why hadn’t “they” started to put Klonopin in breakfast cereals like Golden Grahams and Frosted Mini Wheats? It was early September and the weeks were getting longer and shadows were pretty much incredibly long too at this time of night. They were pretty much everywhere.
(art by the author)
“ICUB4UCYURU,” Kenneth-Michael intoned, low over the whipped-cheese ice bagel he was gnawing on. Ice-splinters were popping and flying out in most directions intermittently and it was early in the night. “What the fuck do you mean?” He muttered at his laptop screen. Yes, Komputorr was in complete control of him again.
Komputorr had gained control of much of the planet in the past 25 years or so and now had so many employees he could just coast around giggling and getting crumbs in weird places of each hemisphere per hour. Sometimes in the morning, Komputorr, with one half-sigh, was capable of bringing entire modern civilizations to their knees . Whole populations just wake up and after a quick trip to the toilet and / or the mirror, just hypnotically find the computer and get to it with the utmost sincerity. It is hilariousness stacked neatly!
So let me describe Komputorr a little more. He is a tiny little demon-god and totally immortal. His lies are endless nor ever did they begin at once in the beginnings of this great galaxy of ours. Komputorr has 73 faces that sometimes alternate. Sometimes you can see them all, if you sit in a Starbuck’s for at least 174 hours straight.
(more art by the author)
And this demon-god Komputorr is very heavy stylish. He had so many sleeves and rings and jackets and hats. And several nice tattoos. One is of the Etruscan Space Program’s ultimate vessel, the “Star Stallion.” Komputorr was more lately everywhere and always. He could transmit signals to your mind just to make you squirm. He could easily get Kenneth-Michael Morgenthal to do absolutely anything at any hour of any day. Komputorr had several children and many employees, but we can get into that later at the end of chapter 4 or 5 (I haven’t decided yet).
Before homo sapiens came to dominate the planet, Komputorr lived underwater, deep in the Pacific Ocean and actually slept constantly and seemingly perpetually in a deep dark coma of sacred oblivion. But one day he was wakened and summoned before the Supreme Council of Mortals and given the task of completely enslaving the new human population yet again. These were the most slaved-up helpless mammals yet designed.
I mean, Lordak had designed them with some potential for free thought and innovation but overall they were a funny bunch of spongy servant-beasts. Lordak was hoping they would, I don’t know, do something interesting, I suppose. And there are probably people out there who would argue that humans are if nothing else, at least, perhaps maybe a little bit interesting.
But the point is that it is still possible for the planet Earth to be the ultimate piece of shit ever, if humans continue to manifester like they have been allowed to for so long already. But there are other immortal gods controlling the planet, obviously. And here is where things get very fascinating.. Just like the silly Greek stories about gods battling each other for relevance on Earth, the ACTUAL gods, as here described in this most spectacularly endless novel of sublime perfection, have their own antagonisms relentlessly on a massive heretofore unimaginable scale. Well…..
More about the demon gods of earth, including Chronochron and Lordak
There’s Chronochron, the insane angel of time distortion and magnified tropical misery. Chronochron makes it nearly impossible for mortal humans to get anything done on that little planet of theirs. It is hilarious to watch them writhe and squirm as Chronochron jabs and stabs them with his bamboo time skewers. So of course one could see how Chronochron and Komputorr would collaborate to just basically hammer-fuck nearly all humans senseless down there and make their lives a complete and totally extremely ultimate living hell nightmare smoothie with bacon crystals.
(the author, in a blue electric mood)
And Lordak usually just lets these two do their own thing, not wanting to get in the way, or choose favorites. Lordak was so engrossed in his own perverse business that he usually didn’t even acknowledge that there were other immortals floating around in space muttering and complaining half the time about how monotonously boring and banal and incredibly infuriating deep space really is.
Cryptoculus was especially guilty of bitching and moaning. But then he was one of the older gods and had the most reasons to complain because he had to put up with such a disturbingly pointless existence for millions and millions of what some Earth people call years.
Maxfield Kelly and his neuro-daughter, Kelly Kelly
But actually it might be worth noting here that one of the central characters in this epic tale of treason and triumph is actually a half-mortal woman named Kelly Kelly. Lordak one day decided to just mind fuck the living brain-foam out of Maxfield Kelly one day while he was walking back to his bunker during World War 9. Lordak just mounted that dude’s mind and boned him hard, finally ejaculating a real big frothy load into his skull and leaving him unconscious in a field for a few hours. Maxfield Kelly woke up from this completely non-consensual mind fuck a little bewildered, to say the least. Obviously he vomited. Then he walked a few meters and vomited again. He was pretty much certain that he had been brain-raped by a god and he suspected he would become severely pregnant with Insane Ideas very shortly.
But what Maxfield Kelly didn’t expect was that he would later that year give birth to an amazing daughter named Kelly. Yes. He knew he was pregnant and his mind was a swarming mess of chaos and insight. Arrows of innovation were flying around fighting for prominence up there above his neck but it was a heaviness and a weight he couldn’t really describe. Maxfield Kelly began to “lose his shit,” as they say.
Maxfield Kelly, having lost his shit, would forget entire sections of reality, leaving masses of information to decay, while these new conceptions grew stronger and stronger, wiping out old ideas that weren’t even close to being strong enough to survive the coming turmoil of the new cataclysm.
Maxfield’s new ideas were electrically crackling at the seams and whispering and conspiring to completely overthrow his mortal consciousness. The maze of his mind was about to be wiped away, cleaned, polished, and re-fitted, with new handles and knobs and adjusted carpet colors and secret doors and hidden windows and layered prizm rooms unscented by everything else. And that is what happened for a couple of weeks.
But then one night, Maxfield was feeling very very very confused but brilliantly alive with hauntingly fresh conceptions. He drew some diagrams for a building he might one day like to build. He called it, for some reason, The New Windsor Palace Hotel. It would be 79 storeys tall and strangely aerodynamic for that time of year.
The elevators of the New Windsor Palace Hotel would be so gentle, Maxfield concluded, before putting his pen down and gliding off to bed for the night. But in the middle of the night, that’s when he had the real intensity of the holy mind-dream of eternity. All of the galaxies at once moreover just screamed so hard into his being that he twisted away towards the window and woke up with a twitchy thrust-sensation.
And there on the pillow next to his head was a little woman. A little 6-inch tall woman, who was tiny for sure, but with the fully-developed body of an adult female human… She looked like she was about 23 years old, so Maxfield Kelly surmised. And to his greatest astonishment, the little woman could speak! “I’m Kelly,” she whispered. “Kelly…” Maxfield repeated, in his most dumbfounded voice ever.
And as Maxfield was staring at Kelly, he noticed some slimy stuff spreading all the way from the miniature person to his ear. She had evidently emerged from his own cranium just as that richly disturbing dream vision had reached its climactic pinnacle. He was now the father of this Kelly, so he thought. But if It was Lordak who planted the seed in his mind, how could Maxfield actually be the father? We can address that question later on. Perhaps much much later on or not at all.
This neuro-daughter-made-flesh was actually over 36,000 years old. She had been sleeping in the Castle of SIROZON (SIGH-Rose-on) for the last 367 years waiting to be born again out of the puzzles of the Runes of Ruin, before the cortex of the shell of the great Astrolith was cracked by Howard Holt. Kelly Kelly whose middle name also turned out to be Kelly just smiled and caressed Maxfield Kelly’s cheek with her puny hand a couple of times and then he fell asleep.
Vanilla Gray’s New Job
Vanilla Gray looked into the mirror and studied the horizon of her soul. It was the first day of her new job- crunching numbers and being an all-around all-star bad-ass for Decimal Insurance Encounters. Vanilla knew that it was the publication of her first book “The Executive Directive Initiative” that helped to get her the position.
Vanilla had written the short but powerful mini-book to express some of her most well conceived strategies for excellence at the office and anywhere else. But she was a little nervous about this new endeavor, not un-primarily because her new boss, Lionel Jackstone, CEO of Decimal Insurance Encounters was known to be creepy and overbearing. Kind of a power-hungry pervert type of scoundrel, so the rumours said.
Due to these rumors, Vanilla wasn’t sure whether she should wear the sexily captivating blue dress she just bought a few days ago or something a hell of a lot more modest. And she hated that it should be an issue at all, but until she could carefully gain complete control of the company, she would be necessarily plagued by such primitive considerations.
As Vanilla tried on an inordinately innocuous gray plaid business suit, she ran the thought of her salary around and around in her head. This would be the highest-paying job ever for her and she was pleased that it would allow her to make regular steady payments on each of her all new 2015 Honda “Donkeys.” Yes, that’s right!
Vanilla Gray purchased three of these automobiles on the same day because the “Donkey” is just so elegant, stylish, and fuel-efficient. It also has one of the highest resale values in its class. In selecting the colors for her new cars, Vanilla had no trouble coming up with the first two. But when it came to the third color, Vanilla agonized for almost 9 whole minutes. The final three contenders were Shepherd’s Gravy, which was noble but maybe too brown….Frowning Crysanthemum, vibrant but playfully mature….and Zinc Alloy which reminded her way too much of a T.Rex album.
Vanilla just couldn’t decide between these 3 so she asked the saleperson whether it wouldn’t be a lot more convenient for her to come up with an entirely new color. She described to them a color that would henceforth be known forever as “Vanilla Gray” and the rest is history.
To be continued…..
About the Author
Matthew Howard Stull is from the future. He currently lives, writes, and makes art and music in Portland, Oregon. You can check out his bizarrely rewarding youtube channel here and enjoy his amazing music.
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