by Caesar
You have felt haunted for some time, it’s part of the exhaustion you feel but can’t explain.
It’s like you are receiving chemotherapy but only your healthy cells are dying. There is a deep knowing of this and yet somehow we stay strapped in, politely killing ourselves without making a fuss.
As soon as you sit in contemplation of this, a pain in your chest arises making it difficult to breathe. You sense that your heart is pounding not only because it wants to pump blood to your veins.
Your heart wants out.
It can no longer haemorrhage in its cage.
You know you are haunted by ghosts when…
(Ibeyi singing to their shadow with the song Ghosts)
1. You smile when you do not agree with what is being said.
Welcome the ghost of respectability. My most recent encounter with this presence was in a meeting at work.
My brain struggled to craft the words around my discomfort, when nothing concrete came to mind, I simply smiled. In my head I was raging, but all they could see was compliance.
Now I wish I had just called bullshit, without a formulated explanation.
2. You talk around what you really mean to say
This is a sure fire sign of the people pleasing ghost.
Lately, I have been dancing around the kind of wedding I really wish to create and what I think would make our families comfortable.
Then it dawned on me, everyone is too tied up in their own drama to care. Please others only when it pleases you to do so.
I feel a real excitement about this task now that I have finally given myself permission to truly make this our own.
3. When it comes to your own desires/dreams/goals, you do fuck all.
All hail the ghost of resistance!
The struggle is real, each day we face this beast and often forget to suit up for war.
There are many valid ways to exorcise it, I find seeking support in community, with a trusted ally or critical friend most effective. If it were not for my own coach, you would not be reading this now…
Ghosts love to spend time with those torn between wanting to toe the line, be liked, restless from hiding in plain sight and living small.
I bet these ghosts have been casting a shadow on you for awhile now. I know this because they have been haunting me too.
But now it is becoming increasingly unbearable to hold back the screams. We can evade the truth for only so long.
It is as if you are possessed by demons taunting you to let your mischievous ambitions come out and play.
The truth is, you have a fire beneath that needs expressing. You sensed it before but now it’s palpable; you know what you crave, what you long for is the answer, and the only cure.
Wear your beating, bloody heart on your sleeve.
Especially if it troubles you, inspires fear and causes you pain. All this means is that it is time to give birth to your heart.
The pain is overwhelming either way.
The only difference is that one pain serves a higher purpose whilst the other promises slow decay.
Alas, the choice is clear,
come out and play or die…
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About the Author:
Caesar is a recovering anthropologist, and professional coach. By day she helps strange, and unreasonable visionaries also known as social entrepreneurs launch or scale their ventures. At night she shifts her focus to tackling shame and meek self-expression. You can join her on this wild crusade here.
featured image – source
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