by Karolina Boldt

    You feel alien, like you don’t fit in, like… nowhere. Cos you don’t, you don’t even have to.

    And you are tired of trying to squeeze yourself into boxes to help others deal with you. Meeting mediocre mundane standards and expectations. Living a decent life that doesn’t rock the boat…

    You’ve tried the normal thing and it’s been painful. Frustrating. You’ve always had that sense that there’s more in you. More in this Universe. That there might be others like you.

    Your desire to find your place, a sense of belonging, your fit in the grander scheme, got so big, it almost crushed you. The darkest moments often are those who give birth to magic.

    You have to earn it, though. The alchemy doesn’t happen overnight. Well, sometimes it does, but just because you got there through the stages of magical metamorphosis. As there are


    Like a tiger raging in the cage, you want to get out, get beyond. Return to trusting your hunches and instincts, back to your very nature – you are a wild creature. Sometimes you remember and have this craving to live your truth.

    Sometimes you suffer from total amnesia and are shaken awake by synchronicities, strange and magical encounters, personal catastrophes, shocking changes in your life that force you to open your eyes, to say the least.

    All of a sudden a roaring hunger for freedom and the absolute, the infinite arises in you. You can’t close your eyes and fall asleep again. There’s no return, you are on fire.

    You might be scared what that all means and what to do about the gigantic shift that has taken over your core, even the tiniest neuronal links.

    The most difficult thing for people to do is hear their own soul. Enlightenment is understanding that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do, and nobody you have to be except exactly who you’re being right now --Conversations with GodImage Source

    2. Withdrawal

    You want to figure out what the heck just has happened. Now the boat DOES get rocked.

    It feels like someone has pulled the rug from underneath your feet. The old comfort and security is no longer available. You are suspended in mid-air.

    No-one can quite understand why you are oh-so-sensitive and other times just bloody rebellious. People will tell you that they liked the old You better. You feel an urge to withdraw.

    The old is torn down and you need a space where you can re-build yourself. There is a natural need for introspection, contemplation. You feel so f***ing much. And so painfully deep.

    Your rawness thrives in solitude. That’s where you as well are going to recognize a huge craving for new knowledge and ancient wisdom which you detect like a blood hound to soak it up like a sponge.

    3. Confusion

    If you are lucky you find a teacher or mentor and like-minded seekers. Many remain hidden in the dark in this phase. The process seems too odd.

    You don’t trust anyone. A sense of being lost and incomplete is your constant companion. You have hunches and intuit about being onto something big. No idea yet, what that might be. But it’s huge.

    You know that you have a mission to fulfil. But don’t know what mission that is. Everything seems screwed.

    There are magical experiences and abilities that you suddenly develop (or, more correctly put: become aware of). Are you going insane?

    You still yearn for the security of your old life but are increasingly intrigued by the wonder and possibility of the new one. You develop a sense of power, capability and service which you have to hone and harness for the big mission you’ve been sent out to accomplish.

    4. Calm before the storm

    Eventually you get still, you stop doubting everything. You start to listen instead. This f***ing path will unfold.

    You just need to be open and receptive to the hints that are already seeking your attention. Force leads to resistance. Rage creates white noise. Time for some lessons in patience and humility.

    Calm down, baby. Concentrate your resources. Be ready and prepare. Take care of yourself. This is your hibernation phase.

    You focus your energies. You’ve now settled into uncertainty and a new way of navigating the currents of a witch’s life. You definitely don’t want to go back to “normal”.

    The biggest shocks are digested. Is that a mischievous smile on your face?

    This is a bloody apple. The apple is a sign of temptation, suggesting the temptation for Grace to kill. It's also temptation of another kind, when Simon offers the starving Grace an apple and she is hiding her desire for it until she "lift(s) the apple up and press(es) it to (her) forehead" (42). Image Source

    5. The Universe erupting in your chest

    This is your call to action. You know who you are and what you are capable of. You have doubted yourself and held back your power long enough.

    Now you are tested – your initiation phase. Can you put to good use what you have learned? Can you handle the gifts that you were given?

    Are you humble and stable enough to join the magic forces? Your power gets refined and amplified in almost miraculous ways and you have to handle it with care and responsibility.

    6. Fear – Excitement

    The big responsibility that comes with being aware of your magic might feel heavy at first. Maybe you fear not to be entitled to be and do what you have grown into. Or to not make the best of it.

    You might fear to be judged. A few centuries ago witches were burnt. You carry this memory with you like an imprint on your bones.

    But you also realize that there is no way back, ever. You have to follow your call, you improve and grow forever. You can’t drop the magic and go into hiding.

    Consider that your fear is just excitement in disguise. You might be afraid of your own power and greatness when in truth it’s freaking awesome, you feel alive, tingles in your fingertips and your system is running on plain orgasmic enthusiasm.

    You know that this is exactly what you want. Nothing less will do.

    ‘Transformation and Seduction’ Fernanda Tavares for Status BrazilImage Source

    7. Alignment

    Once you tap into this realization – you are this sexy powerful being, you are perfectly on track – things begin to align for you. Life makes sense, you are presented with windows of opportunity. Synchronicities come along your way.

    This doesn’t mean life gets easy and rosy with rainbows and stuff. Rather the opposite. Since you have proven that you can handle a whole LOT of s**t, there will be plenty occasions where you can grow in your capability of dealing with exceptionally huge loads of it.

    But you’ll have a place inside you where you maintain serenity and a wicked soul-smile. You’ll do what’s needed and hone your skills. The deeper your transformative work, the more valuable your service will become.

    And that’s what you do: you serve. You do rock the boat. You throw triggers and challenges and make sure no-one gets too comfortable. You do your thing and you do it well. And it’s magic. ∞



    If this essay resonates with you, please join our WITCH email list by using the forms on this website so we can stay in touch.


    About the Author:

    10675548_859824250696505_5377116780649314049_n Karolina Boldt is a coach and writer, she has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. Her current mission is all about surrender, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can check her out on Disobey With Grace or Instagram.


    featured image source




    • Dr. Carolyn Elliott is the founder of WITCH magazine & is known for her uncanny and uncomfortable ability to trick really smart, high-achieving magical people into doing the things that they actually want to do. She’s the teacher of life-altering online courses, including INFLUENCE, FORCE OF NATURE, MONEY, and EARTH. Carolyn is the author of the cult-favorite creativity book, Awaken Your GeniusAwaken Your Genius: A Seven-Step Guide to Uncovering Your Creativity and Manifesting Your Dreams... ... and the upcoming Existential Kink: A handbook of life-altering magic. She runs a multi-6-figure online business specializing in helping people achieve dramatic positive change in their lives through shadow integration practices and applied occult philosophy.

    • Show Comments (4)

    • Allie

      this resonates so deeply with me. thank you

    • Mariana

      Thank you!!! It’s bold and beautiful. I feel less alone.

    • Laura

      I need to develop all that is within me. Help! I don’t know how Thank you ????????????

    • Shannon Spicer

      Thank you. My mind was just blont. I don’t misspell. Or do I?

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