by Cindy Olah
I write this as personal tale of my experience with the great goddesses of awakening.
I was first initiated by the dark goddess Kali, in my mid 20’s when she would come to me in my dreams disguised as the spider, frightening me so much that I couldn’t bear to look at her.
At the time I did not understand what she signified, or what the dream experiences meant except that they scared the living shit out of me.
I now understand that she was introducing me to my shadows and was warning me that she was about to draw her infamous sword of destruction.
It was just the beginning, the warning of what was to come and the necessity for me to face what was scaring me so.
Kali wielded her fiery sword and began to tear apart at any aspects of my life that were ego centered, not allowing me to build upon anything that was the tiniest bit ego related.
Without the understanding of what was happening, this period of my life was painful and frustrating, breaking me down to my deepest insecurities.
It seemed to never end as if my life was going to forever remain this way.
I would say that I steeped in Kali’s graces for about 15 years before she once again appeared, but this time I recognized exactly who she was and how she had been with me and serving me for all this time.
After the third time of receiving Shaktipat, the great Goddesses including Kali herself, she must have felt that I was ready, that I had steeped long enough in the presence of her destruction and nurturance, to initiate me in the understanding of the Sacred and Divine Goddesses.
Feeling the stirring of the divine as Her, I was chanting to the Goddesses when Kali introduced me to Shakti, the great Kundalini serpent herself taking her form as the fiery Lilith.
She entered my body as the serpent and it was frightening yet simultaneously ecstatic. She is the energy of both ecstasy and fear.
Life begins with her. Through her, duality is birthed. She is the mother of all creation and within her womb she holds all that is beautiful and vile.
She was the serpent that encouraged Eve to take the apple from the tree of knowledge so that duality and life as we know it could be birthed. I was frightened to completely surrender myself to her but I knew that I had to, so that I could move through the ascension.
When I did surrender, it was ecstasy and what I felt was a complete devotion that I had never experienced. I understood why religions and altars were built around her.
During this time, Mary Magdalene was also present as she also represented and held the energy of the Red Goddess. Lilith mostly came through as red and black.
Lilith showed me, through her visions coming in as my own, why and how the feminine energy was demonized. She showed me that for Her to be in fullest expression, she must hold both light and dark because without it, creation would not exist.
As she was showing me, I was truly afraid, fearing that she was pulling me into the dark and occult… but what she was actually showing me was the magnitude of who she really is.
She was trying to get me to understand from where the dark emerges.
Her darkness, as it expressed through others, comes from ignorance and deep wounds of betrayal & hurt… that the dark, evil and vile side of human nature were all created from ignorance and unhealed wounds needing to be understood, loved and accepted.
She made it clear to me that I MUST accept the dark in order for the ascension to the heart, to continue, as the dark is part of the whole.
She showed me how the ancient prophets misunderstood Her and the totality of the Feminine.
They misunderstood the dark nature and saw it as needing to be eliminated and contained, instead of healed and integrated.
Since the Sacred Shakti Feminine holds sexual energy, in an attempt to destroy the dark nature, the ancient prophets demonized sexuality and the feminine energy by calling it evil and trying to cork it in with light.
At the time that she was showing me this, I was on my moon cycle and I could feel how the cramps and the pain of menstruation were manifestations of the pain that come from the suppression of the feminine; that all the pain felt during menses was the collective consciousness of the pain of all women who’s feminine had been oppressed.
I could also feel how my bouts of ennui, numbness, emptiness, loneliness, loss, feeling lost were all symptoms of the devastating oppression of the fire and luminosity of the great Shakti.
Once I accepted the beautiful, unapologetic, red dragon fully into my being, I came alive.
What I was missing all along was Her. It’s been a full-blown love affair ever since.
After awakening from sleep the next morning, she showed me the continued ascension of the Goddess.
As her energy penetrated the heart, Shiva (Pure Consciousness) came down to meet her. In their union, the beautiful White Mothers appeared – Mother Mary and White Tara. The Shakti red/black energy from below transcended into the purity of the White Goddess once she made her way into the heart and united with her beloved.
A beautiful and radiant white rose (or lotus) emerged from the heart center symbolizing the Divine Union of Shiva/Shakti and the transcendence from the red to white goddess.
From this white rose, Christ consciousness was born, the seed of the divine union, birthed by the Goddess Mother Mary.
Then she showed me that Christ was me and you and every other being, but to know ourselves as Christ, we must each experience this divine union within ourselves. We must join the two lovers of the Sacred Male and Female, together in our own hearts.
She showed me that when the white rose blooms and Christ is born in our hearts the upper three Chakras light right up and the ascension is complete.
It was the most beautiful journey and even as I type this I can feel the stirring of the Goddess inside me.
Right now, she is still red with shades of black as there is still much to heal, learn, feel and grow.
I wear red to honor her, to love her and in doing so learn to honor and love myself. She is my companion and has brought me to life. For now, I wear red.
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