We’re in the last month of this crazy 2016.
And when I say crazy it’s actually a gross understatement. Everything’s been turned on its head, we’ve been through massive turmoil, change and loss, it’s like one huge global regroup (and it looks like we’re still in the throes of the tear-down, which is only the first phase of a regroup).
That which hasn’t served us has fallen away – and if we tried to keep it (out of attachment, fear, nostalgia, or because it was comfortable) it’s been ripped off our grasp before we could say “rabbit hole”.
And a rabbit hole it’s been. A deeeeep one.
I’m still feeling like free falling with no end in sight.
I started this year off as a coach and healer (emphasis on coach, more about this in a minute), guiding people to reclaiming their power, and helping them to release patterns of self-sabotage and layers of shame and guilt.
I wrote many posts and articles, until I didn’t anymore.
My identity as a writer seemed to crumble. It was like I’d lost my voice, my message, and even my drive to push and accomplish, to aspire and *hustle*.
It was some strange stage of hibernation, while continually going through a soul-grinding process of grief, anger, resentment, acceptance, love, epiphanies, lessons finally learned – just to meet the same devils at higher levels. The usual…
I know for a fact that it wasn’t only me: this is something many of the people around me have reported as well. It was like constantly having the rug pulled from underneath your feet, as soon as you felt you could get up and move on again.
Add the exit of Bowie, Prince, Cohen, Trump replacing Obama, the drama with Standing Rock to name just a few more of this year’s shocking ‘highlights’.
At one point, I think it was when I felt that energy and bodywork took up some serious space in my coaching practice, which totally wasn’t my intention because it always was way too “woo woo” in my book, I got frustrated and felt like calling it quits for good.
Energy work! Kundalini hocuspocus! Healings and clearings! That was the very last thing I wanted to be known for. All that esoteric bs!
Problem being, I’m freaking brilliant at it…
“I just finished my second set of six-week sessions with Karolina and I have to tell you how fascinating this journey from stuck to un-stuck has been. She has helped me heal and integrate parts of myself (I’m talking body & spirit) that I didn’t even know were missing. I’ve uncovered new desires to manifest… there’s pure gold underneath our shadows and fears. There’s also such a thing as spontaneous healing. Let me tell you, shifts happen in real time. That’s big magic!!! I have such a deep sense of gratitude. Thank you, Lina, for midwifing me through this process. Infinite love.” – Barbara Pena, San Antonio, Texas
I was at a loss for words myself for how all this just “happened”. And reminisced about how it all began:
There was a time, 3 years ago, when I felt like my soul was dying. I was really sick and felt stuck and bat-shit scared of making a move – any move really – in order to escape the cage of my muggle life.
If you’ve recently watched “Fantastic Beasts”, you know what happens if a witch suppresses her magic. Something very powerful and destructive comes alive out of repression and denial (in the movie they call it “Obscurus”).
Anyways, back then I had a very violent Kundalini awakening that shook me at my core for months. Cancer had not been effective enough to wake me up. The Kundalini experience hit me out of the blue, no preparation, no forewarning.
I wasn’t able to sleep, to function properly, I was all light and unconditional love or tormented by sheer terror and a desire to die, nothing in between. After several months, it got less and less, the symptoms and intensity slowly wore off.
Shortly after I was able to make decisions and think halfway clearly again (in fact, I started to synch up with my gut feeling instead of overthinking and ending up doing nothing), I broke the container of a safe and boring relationship and quit my studies of political science in the middle of writing my thesis (we were about to get married and I was expected to start some prestige-y J.O.B.).
It was like one big “Fuck this! And fuck you all!”
I had to, it was like a huge outburst that had been building for years (starting when I was a kid). There was no way to control the events, my soul was re-emerging in a raging and messy manner to save my life and sanity.
Powerful and destructive. Obscurus, Kali, something like that…
Of course, as a stubborn Taurus I still went against my gut feeling and intuition several times after that “big bang”.
It was a mix of promising synchronicities (mostly occuring as men who weren’t even my type, where something felt off from the beginning, but I kept going anyway, exhausted myself in attempts to make it work, because I was dedicated to “get the lesson”, scenting growth everywhere, no matter what it’d cost me), followed by losing myself in other people’s shit, and hitting rock bottom, sobered, with a taste of delusion on my tongue, sticky, black and bitter like tar.
From the big-picture perspective everything I did and every choice I made went according to plan.
But I also learned to discern and choose my battles.
The thing that always helped me was my connection to my own energy, and to the “source energy” (a.k.a. Kundalini). Which is basically one and the same, because nonduality.
And it still was there at the tip of my fingers, at the bottom of my spine, the top of my head – whenever I needed it. I was scared to plug into it again, since the initial encounter with this energy was slightly traumatizing. But, carefully and cautiously, when nothing else worked, I’d return to working with it.
Since this wild ride of getting energetically activated, I had become a conduit and a channel if you will. Plus, as a side effect my skill of “reading people” also got refined even more.
This makes me a great coach and healer, and a master of pulling triggers and eliminating BS, lies and excuses.
I started off with my own BS and excuses.
First, I escaped into depression. There was a gift in there: During this very dark time, my body started sending me precise signals when something was “extra-off”. Or I just started to notice them in such obvious ways. I’d start feeling very sick in my stomach, my heart racing, palms sweating, getting hot flashes.
Of course I’d keep doing what I was doing. I’d feel sicker, but eventually the feeling would subside and I’d be good. I had “won” (insert triumphant inner smile). But it was the beginning of deeply connecting with my gut (in the most proverbial sense) and intuition. The anlagen where there. Later on I’d learn to work with them.
Depression only worked for so long, and after some time it got boring, because nothing really changed, except I feared I’d get totally insane, numb, and yet the suffering kept washing over me without mercy. Not a great way to be.
I started valuing change over comfort.
Then I started reading, researching, trying to “fix” this unsettling dark soul stuff. I had coaches, I even found a mentor, and at one point I wasn’t scared anymore of the murky, yucky, painful things that kept getting stirred in my soul time and time again.
Well, I wasn’t scared anymore to the extent of falling into some kind of “freeeeze” mode and using all my strength to get moving, running – in the opposite direction, for dear life.
I began meeting my shadow with fearful curiosity. Very soon, I was totally into “shadow work”. Ultimately, though, I got to a place of observing and allowing. Meeting everything with as much openness as I could muster (which was close to zero at times, tbh).
The real shadow work. Carolyn Elliott (my mentor) coined the term “Existential Kink”. That’s part of what I do nowadays.
I remembered my tool of Kundalini energy work (I even have a master & teacher degree, but was reluctant for a long time to mention it, let alone offer any workings or attunements around this topic), through which I finally re-connected with my core, my inner knowing.
This year, after two years of deep work, lots of setbacks and inner battles, I came all-out as the witch and healer I am.
And I also allowed myself to go slow for some time, to not push and advertise and make lots of noise. It was a quiet process of embracing my power, my gifts, and of starting to inhabit all the traits that make me, me – gradually, as I’m still unearthing and integrating more as it comes up..
I’ve experienced firsthand how liberating and empowering it feels to become one’s true and authentic self and to be soul-led instead of mind-/ Ego-controlled.
And, by the way, it’s the key to working any kind of magic. Your soul is powerful and all-knowing. Your control-freaky and overthinking Ego is not.
The great thing is that opportunities present themselves that never did as long as you weren’t in alignment with all the shiny (and also shadowy) treasures that are buried inside your soul.
Is it easy? – Hell no!
Is it worth it? – Totes!
The most rewarding thing you could do for yourself (and when you liberate yourself, you also inspire those around you to liberate themselves, as a bonus, jus’ saying).
Imagine what it feels like: finally coming home to yourself. No hiding, no playing small, working the most potent magic ever and manifesting like a pro.
And, I have to mention this: all the triggers that you’ll shoot at your surroundings like arrows – reliably hitting bulls eye, even if you’d fire them off blindfolded. Yep. That’s also part of it. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
If you want to give yourself the gift of getting un-stuck and making some quantum leaps into alignment and tapping your inborn badass magic, you can sign up for my email list or get in touch for an exploratory session. Make your evolution a priority for Christmas and as 2017 commences.
My capacity to take on one-on-one clients is limited, so you want to be quick to save your spot.
About the Author:
Merken
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