by Renee Damoiselle
Dressed in red and silver, she evoked the sounds and imagery of fire engines as they tore through the streets of New York, alarming the heart with the violent gong of catastrophe; all dressed in red and silver, the tearing red and silver cutting a pathway through the flesh. The first time he looked at her he felt: Everything will burn!” ~ Anais Nin
Anais Nin was a 20th century author who embodied the Feminine Divine unapologetically.
She recorded her colorful and emotional life experiences in journals for over 60 years.
Many were published and today we have a collection of deep, meaningful reflections of an embodied Goddess.
She was also one of the first women to write erotica.
Anais had two husbands (at the same time!) and many lovers. Oh, the pearl clutching she must’ve witnessed!
The Feminine Divine is Beauty and Light and nurturing love, but never forget for a moment that it is also lust, seduction, destruction and darkness.
We, as women representing the Goddess on earth, are celebrated and accepted and even adored when we embody that Goddess of Light.
When we freely give our love and when we display our desire to be helpful, useful and of service, we are loved. But it’s conditional, isn’t it?
The moment we express desires out of alignment with that, the second we give a little flash of our dark sides, we are vilified, as Anais was.
Then, suddenly, those who basked in the light of our love are referring to us as Witch, Bitch, Slut, Demon!
I was married to a narcissist for 14 years. The first 12 were “blissful”, as I showed only my light, loving goddess nature. But no one’s truth can be hidden for long.
When I started to express my “selfish” desires; to be seen, to be respected, to have my own creative life, that’s when things got rocky.
I had started a creative business of my own even while still working another job to support our family.
I was working those two full-time jobs, taking care of our young daughter, cooking, cleaning, etc. I was such a “good wife”!
During this time, my mother fell seriously ill and wasn’t expected to recover. I was traveling the 3 hours to visit with her and help with her hospice care 2 to 3 times a week.
One day, I was at my creative job, finishing up some paper work, and I called hubby to let him know I wouldn’t be home, that I’d be taking our child after school and heading down to see my mom for the weekend.
He became furious and yelled into the phone about having no dinner! (Seriously, Dinner? What is this, 1950??)
I felt that darkness bubbling up, but held on to my light for a moment longer.
I explained, calmly, that my mother was dying and I needed to spend time with her.
He shouted again, “She’s not dying TODAY!”
That was when everything began to burn. I screamed at the top of my lungs into the phone, “FUCK YOU!!!”, and slammed it down.
I shook for 20 minutes after that. I had never cursed at him in over ten years of marriage. I had never even raised my voice to him.
But she was OUT now – that dark, divine, ambitious, angry, lustful, destructive, wonderful force. And she wasn’t going back in.
Even though it took another two years before that marriage was ended officially, that was the moment it was over.
I could never again be the sweet, agreeable, spineless girl that he had married.
And so, he could never again love me. But I came to realize that it wasn’t love from the beginning.
And I’m so glad that that dark force blaring fire engine sirens and burning everything to the ground was finally released.
Embracing that part of me that felt so taboo, so dangerous was the best thing I ever did for myself and for my daughter.
I love ALL of me today.
And that is a beautiful example to set for the young woman my daughter has become.
She is not afraid to peer into that darkness and find the fire.
If you recognize any of this, if you are struggling with allowing that naughty, nasty woman to have her say and have her way, don’t hesitate another moment.
But even if you don’t contact me to help you with that journey, I encourage you to start looking openly at those parts of you that you fear others would shun.
And, if you haven’t read any Anais Nin – that’s a good place to start!
IN CONCLUSION
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About the Author:
Check out this site for all the details on Renee’s Retreats!
For more about Renée, read her blog.
featured image via Pixabay