by Lila Talic
He used to come to see me before I slept,
I used to be afraid of him.
I would never look at him.
I was too scared,
To see what was trying to suffocate me,
Why couldn’t I move?
I would will myself in my head:
Move your arms!
Move your feet!
But nothing would escape my vocal cords,
It was if the entire world stopped.
In this dead silence
I could hear him breathing …
I could feel my heart pounding in the mattress,
The sweat dripping onto my pillow,
I often wondered – was I going crazy?
Until a sleepover at a girlfriend’s house.
And she asked me,
I was confused by this.
I would never bring someone to her house.
She then said,
“Someone was sleeping next to you last night.
It looked like a man was sleeping with you.
I had to pull the covers back to see
Just to find you alone.”
That’s when I realized
I was sleeping with my demon.
And fear turned into curiosity…
What if I stopped being afraid
And instead became curious about this beast?
Welcoming his presence …
Welcome the darkness.
Then things started to shift.
I started to learn from him,
Paying attention to my inner voice.
Journaling when he would come.
What was going on in my life?
How was I feeling?
I was feeling all of those things,
All at once.
Years of shoving and shoving
Down deep down…
The more I shoved
The more he came to see me.
Every second night,
Feeding off of my emotional shit,
Laughing at me.
All the while trying to suffocate me.
I can’t say that he’s gone for good
But over the years
The inner work –
The hard work,
The fucking not-so-nice work,
The letting go and not so much holding on –
He’s always going to be waiting for me.
For those times I am not standing in the light.
The times I’m in the grey area.
But I now know that even in the dark
You don’t have to be scared.
Even if you’re a slacker like me
And it takes TIME to do the work
Sometimes letting your demon sleep with you
Is just a soft whisper …
Letting you know you’re a goddess in training.
Maybe you’re a dark goddess or a light goddess,
Demons pick you for a reason.
And sometimes it’s just to wake you up
And to bring you home
About the Author:
Lila Talic is currently on a self discovery of the question ‘Who am I?’, always dabbling in new creative things like crystals, aromatherapy, keeping secret journals, and Reiki. You can find her on Instagram and Facebook.
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