by Karolina Boldt
How many times have you begged for mercy, how often have you died so far?
And still you are here, reading these words. Because you know how to rise from the ashes. Everytime you hope for the next round to go smoother.
And everytime your soul chooses ‘hardcore lane’. Did I just hear you sigh?
Well then, buckle up, there are a few more to come, as we’re examining the backstage area of the past.
It felt like being a puppet on a string – with others feeling entitled to pull the strings, make your feet walk in a certain direction, make you do and even feel stuff that they projected on you.
Offering their experience and expertise, trying to tell you about their standards: “Puppets don’t say such unmannerly things, as a good puppet you obey and don’t be unreasonable!”
If you got loud or demanded a different script, ripping at “your” strings, they would put you back behind the curtain, in a dark and dusty box, covering you with crumpled paper and a black cloth: “Be quiet already!”
You know what I’m talking about.
You’re familiar with surviving with little light and oxygen, in an environment that ought to have you suffocated. The fact that you survived is a miracle in itself.
That which could have broken you, made you an even fiercer spirit.
Your grasping for fresh air and your craving for light, for space is not easily understood by those who don’t know what it’s like to be bred in darkness and pain.
You might be so used to discomfort and suffering that you still tend to hide in it, scared of the brightness of the sun, and of your own shining light.
Pain is kind of reliable and you know it intimately.
Setting out on a journey into the “more” that’s there to life is scary, and it’s arduous – thriving does require work and commitment.
And that’s why it is difficult to get from mere surviving to a place of thriving:
Everything that comes with the ribbon of commitment evokes that sensation of shackles around your ankles and wrists.
This choking feeling in your throat?
It’s the memory of being tied up and silenced in your tiny puppet box, wide awake, with no chance to scream or run, not even an opportunity to move your limbs to kick away the lid.
But with panic and terror in your heart instead. “How long will I be able to breathe in here? How will it feel to die? Am I dead already? Is this just a dream? A nightmare?”
It’s been your reality and a dream, and illusion at the same time.
Your soul is powerful. It’s your essence, the core, the truest vibration of you.
That’s why you can take so much without breaking: Your soul wants to live. It wants to grow and expand.
The soul’s desire is to thrive. Therefore it will survive, until there comes the moment – your moment – when the shell gets cracked and smashed.
You’ve long outgrown and left that goddamn box, but you created new boxes and structures that kept you small.
Whether it’s been a box again or a cage or whatever – you made sure to have new confinements with little space and strong doors, chains or shackles.
You kept wondering why you’re still feeling miserable, barely able to breathe, and with a sick and hollow feeling in your belly.
You got desperate because it seemed like you are never going to get rid of the caged life.
Although painfully aware of it, you couldn’t escape it.
Questions kept crossing your mind repeatedly, rolling through your head like juggernauts: “Why do I have to go through this?”, “Isn’t it enough already?”, “I can’t stand this one day longer – can’t I end this early, please?”
Then your moment, your time finally approached.
But not gloriously so. Perhaps someone you love, died. Or you were diagnosed with cancer.
It could also have been some lovely synchronicity that made you enter an insanely deep soul connection, which is wonderful.
Just to realize that you were not compatible or couldn’t be together for some reason, which felt like getting your heart ripped out of your chest.
That’s what happened to me – all of the above. Within a short timespan.
You, too, have your own unique experiences that make you cringe as soon as you think of them.
The Universe has a knack for interacting with your soul (aka the Universe experiencing itself in human form) in very effective ways, giving you some tough love, mercilessly shaking you awake.
Often there is a breakdown before a breakthrough.
Like the little seed that doesnt know that it’s going to be a mighty tree with its branches kissing the sky, you don’t know what life has in stock for you in the future.
The struggle is real, and sometimes it can feel like a final death blow.
But it is not going to kill you. You’ll be reborn for the umpteenth time, thanks to your fiery Phoenix soul.
The discomfort of death and rebirth can make you want to run back to the safety of your prison, especially if you are a Phoenix with amnesia (that’s not unusual!).
But once you got a glimpse of light, it is practically impossible to withdraw and return into your seed coat.
You gotta expand and grow. You can do it in two different ways:
Either you choose everything that’s watering the soil in which you are growing, you dedicate time and effort, you say yes to life, to your transformation and this whole crazy experience.
Or you choose denial and resistance, because you want the process to stop. You’ve been through enough and you don’t want to endure further struggle. You already sense that there will be no end to it anyway. Nah, this is not for you!
I’ll tell you a secret:
You are going to become that freaking tree anyway.
You can’t resist life. Well, you can, it’s your choice to live or not to live, but you’ll be sent back time and again, until you’ve learned what your soul came here for to learn. It’s up to you.
At least you can’t escape your soul’s plans, one way or another you will get where it wants you to go.
But you can manage to remain at a level that doesn’t go beyond surviving.
Your branches won’t reach high. You’ll be so consumed with fighting what was meant to save you and serve you – you’ll miss the whole point of what it means to be alive.
You won’t learn what it’s like to thrive. This would be you working against your soul, living a life that’s straining and empty. Not aligned with your soul.
A lifelong battle.
And the worst thing about it: Like in your puppet box, your soul will be wide awake. You will be aware of the disaster and you will know what would be possible if you dropped your defense.
What caged and tortured you in the past doesn’t have any power over you anymore.
You survived. You stretched the strings, they got so thin, invisible in the end. Those ties don’t hold you back physically.
They are just stored energy. The memory of puppetry.
You can cut the ties once and for all and release the suffering and the feeling of powerlessness that you’ve been dragging behind you like a wet and muddy cloak, for ages.
A heaviness that’s been wearing you out. RELEASE.
Blast off the constriction that’s inhabiting your throat with a taste of iron and dust.
Burn the crumpled paper, the entire box, and watch the flames eat your prison, doing a joyous fiery dance.
You’re a Phoenix, fire is your element. Let it burn away the crap. Let it tear down and devour the last remnants of your internal hell.
You don’t have to forget about hell to move on. But please remember your name and the home you’re carrying inside your heart.
It’s the home of love, the well of your tremendous energy and unbreakable faith. Remember your mission. The suffering has served it’s purpose.
You might have felt that it made you weaker and smaller, when in fact it’s done quite the opposite.
Only exceptionally strong souls are put through the hoops that intensely in the process of hammering, polishing and purging.
You are a darling of fortune – otherwise you wouldn’t still be here, you wouldn’t have made it that far. That’s a challenging statement, I know.
Now is the time to acknowledge the whole terrifying and immense extent of your power and magic.
You’ve been through hell. That’s because you are here to share what you’ve learned on your trip.
The final curtain falls. This is it, the end of puppetry. You are free.
The world doesnt need puppets and robots, it is in desperate need of real human beings with vulnerable hearts and powerful souls.
You happen to be an extraordinarily wise and strong soul and you are super-charged with energy, compassion and intensity.
Your wounds are your reservoir of healing – you are able to pour liquid gold into the cracks of others’ souls.
You might not feel ready, although you can hear your calling loud and clear.
Believe me, if you hear it, you are ready. Clueless or not, go ahead, one step in front of the other. The past is gone forever and you are receiving hints and signs at every turn.
Let yourself be guided by your soul – it knows. Can you hear its long sigh?
“Finally,” it says, “finally you listen. Trust me, dear you. From here, let’s move on.”
If this essay resonates with you, please join our WITCH email list by using the forms on this website so we can stay in touch.
About the Author:
Karolina Boldt is a Coach, Healer, and Writer. She has a Ninja-warrior survival record (e.g. final-stage cancer), and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs. She has a deep love for crystals and sigils, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website Disobey With Grace or Instagram.
featured image via Unsplash
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