by Tau Tara
When people ask me about healing, I tell them the truth as I know it from my experience.
That healing is messy, dark, and very inconvenient.
For some of us it is also a lot of breaking and knocking and hurting, over and over again.
It’s not a breezy walk in the park holding hands with a loved one.
It’s not that image of a person in cool yoga pants made of organic hemp sitting blissed out on a mountain.
It’s not an easy to ‘click and order’ online product, and the universe doesn’t do door delivery of the ‘item’, person, thing, ideal situation, of what we ‘think’ we need to heal.
Instead it knocks us down with what is ‘needed’ for breaking all that is standing in the way of our ‘becoming’.
Healing is chaotic, it’s confusion, it is brain scramble at midnight.
It is a messy ride on a bumpy road that seems to reach nowhere and takes forever.
It is sitting with foggy windows inside a car during a storm through the lanes of an abandoned old town that is your psyche.
It is the finding of dark musty rooms of your scary past that you have shut and locked away with a heavy metal lock and cannot find the keys to.
It is breaking into those rooms with all your might and clearing the cobwebs in your head, to meet old memories, all of them shattered.
It is agonizing pain, a churning, burning fire in the pit of your soft belly.
It is meeting grief in the empty cracks and corners of a house you lost a long time ago.
It is utter loneliness staring back at you from the dirty pits of an old disused well that echoes of stifled sobs.
It is allowing yourself to invite the ghosts of your past to share their stories with you, without letting them take possession of you.
It is meeting and melting that old fear that you froze years ago.
It is you pulling out worn out parts of yourself from wooden shelves with moth ball smells, and letting it go, admitting that they don’t fit anymore.
It is revisiting the memories that have no romance or nostalgia, willingly accepting that no keepsake is worth keeping if it robs you of your soul.
It is remembering that you are grown up and have outgrown those patterns now and that growing up is an ‘ongoing’ process that never ends, not even when you hit a landmark ‘awakening’.
We continue to grow as a conscious rising.
Healing is coming to terms with what was, what is and what will be and surrendering control, dropping the force and being willing to let life move through us, knowing that there are things in it that we will fully never know or ever own.
It is discarding old skin, old feathers, old scales, old hair, and allowing nature to grow new ones on you, season after season, like a snake, a bird, a fish, an animal.
Healing is the humbling realisation that you are higher consciousness and all kinds of cosmic awesomeness, yes!
But also, that you are of the earth and an animal, too.
And that the animal is gentle, is primal, is intelligent, is rooted, is connected, is powerful, is vulnerable, is a living, breathing, flesh and bone bodied creature that feels pain,
that feels the rain,
and loves the sun,
that has keen senses,
that knows the changes happening in the skies and across the land,
is a beautiful creation,
and is all essence and being.
Healing is learning to navigate through our inner landscapes that have been devastated and are in ruins and decay, all over again.
It is a lot of breaking down and crying.
It is digging through the dark soil of the soul where your instinct lies buried.
It is attempting to recover your gut feeling that will tell you how to stand up and feel your way into all the right directions once again.
It is you taking responsibility for you, owning you, loving you in a way that nobody did, nor will, but only you can.
It is trading all notions of perfection and purity and cracking open into shameless honesty.
Healing is forgiving and breaking the pattern of endless expectations – of not doing unto others what was done to you in a moment of fear and lovelessness.
It is seeing the flaws, the cracks and the madness in the world and realising that we are all made of those same things and feeling through the pain in the cracks is the way to bring in the sunshine, and feeling it together in our own ways is enabling.
Because we admit that madness is not only outside, but also inside of us.
Healing is a hike into the mountains, alone and distraught, not for adventure or for leisure, but to pick up a million year old stone from a running river and putting it to your chest, to listen to the stories of how you were created from cold and fire.
It is a going away into the forests, to put fearful things inside you to rest.
It is a pulling back of and going away from the world, in order to find your place in it and return to it.
It is unlearning the many ways we were taught and had to survive – by grasping, groping, clinging, pushing, forcing, manipulating, possessing, abusing, hurting, violating, destroying.
And relearning instead, to ‘live’ fully in the ways of our blood-red heart which knows how to seduce that deep feeling soul inside into existence once again.
IN CONCLUSION
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