by Cassidy Scanlon

    A year ago, I stood behind the host stand at a farm-to-table restaurant in Chelsea, Manhattan. It was one of my two jobs, the other being a barista in downtown Brooklyn.

    I was reading a blog post on my iPhone, since the hostess life can be boring and tedious on slow nights.

    It was about my North Node in Scorpio, a placement in astrology that reveals important life lessons.

    The North Node is not a planet but a point where the orbit of the Moon meets the Sun’s path.

    The Nodes are symbolic representations of the karmic imbalances we were born with and must seek to realign.

    Since my North Node (also referred to as the True Node) is in Scorpio, my South Node is in the opposite sign, Taurus.

    With my South Node in this Venusian and pragmatic Earth sign, I’m at ease when my environment is harmonious and comfortable.

    Sensual pleasures such as food, lovely objects, and soft surfaces put me at ease.

    My natural inclination is to seek stability, particularly in the realms of the financial and physical.

    But my downfall is my stubbornness. It’s not borne from conviction, but rather, an unwillingness to budge once I’ve made up my mind.

    The attitude of “I’m right and nothing can change my mind” harms my spiritual potential.

    I have a tendency to focus too much on what I may lose, rather than what I can gain from letting go of my tenacity.

    As I read more about how difficult it is for me to leave my comfort zone, I felt a tingling sensation crawl up my spine.

    My obsession with shutting out all possible conflicts that upset my harmonious order had created stagnancy and emptiness in my interior world.

    In the pursuit of obtaining a certain level of material security, I neglected my ravenous desire for emotional depth.

    The energy of the North Node in Scorpio sent chills up my arms and neck, forcing the psychic recognition of my spiritual journey.

    I bore witness to my shadow self, acknowledging my dark desire to move beyond stability and embrace chaos.

    As tears welled up in my eyes, I looked away from my phone up at the Empire State Building, illuminated by a red glow.

    “I have to quit my other job,” I said out loud. It felt automatic, as if my intuition was given words to speak and be known.

    Having two jobs drained my physical, emotional, and spiritual energy.

    I was so concerned with making money in this brand new city that I forgot to enjoy it. I was working 50 hour weeks, often times opening at one job and closing at the other.

    Once, I burst into tears on a bus in Brooklyn for no reason because I was so exhausted. Death was appealing in its promise of eternal sleep.

    My ingrained devotion to maintaining financial safety at any cost made me suicidal.

    image source

    Astrologers believe that the Universe places obstacles in your way when you try to repeat the patterns of your South Node.

    These challenges are reminders that who you were in your past life is not who you are meant to be in your present one.

    With a South Node in Taurus, gluttony and selfishness got the best of me.

    A material-orientated attitude rendered me unable to appreciate life’s complexities.

    I believe my soul carries a fear of change and ambiguity from this previous life.

    And my North Node in Scorpio demands I confront and embrace it in order to move on.

    A few months later, I practiced a mediation ritual. I asked the Universe to reveal aspects of my past life, promising to be open to whatever images flash in my mind.

    After a while, I saw a clearing in a lush meadow.

    Trees reached towards the blue sky above me and a gentle wind pushed through the tall grass. In the near distance, there was a small cottage made of wood.

    I imagined myself walking to it, taking the steps up to the porch. The door swung open and when I entered, there was a small fireplace and furniture draped in quilts in the main room.

    In an adjacent room with an open door, I saw a woman with gray hair almost to the floor sitting on a rocking chair. She faced away from me, moving back and forth.

    I walked towards her until I was close enough to reach out and touch her long hair.

    My mind jumped to another image: I was back in the clearing but the surrounding forest was burning. Flames wrapped around the trees as black clouds of smoke permeated the air.

    I screamed and cried, unable to tell if I was myself or the woman with the grey hair.

    This scene jolted me back into the present time. I blinked slowly as I mulled over the details of my surroundings. The candles on my altar flickered.

    My breathing was deep; my body felt calm. But my mind was racing with possible explanations for the vision.

    There was no logic, no reasoning. Just the poetic image of a forest in flames. The foundation of my Taurus South Node destroyed.

    image source

    I rose from the ashes of my predecessors like the phoenix.

    Scorpio’s ruling planet Pluto represents death and regeneration, the sacred cycle of transformation.

    In this life, I am destined to uproot the knee-jerk reaction of my own complacency.

    Dig deeper to break the cycle of a negative money mindset.

    Months later, on the M train back to Brooklyn, I wrote in the notes on my phone:

    in its monstrosity,

    pain is not inherently evil

    but we give it so much power

    with our fear.

    What had I gained from latching on to the supposed outcomes of my fears?

    By denying aspects of my identity I deemed too negative or too much, I retraumatized myself.

    Pushed the potential of healing further away, until it seemed untouchable.

    To revert this process, I needed to apologize to my shadow.

    And for me, that meant acknowledging what I refused to see: my tendency to repress discomfort and pain, my attachment to money, and my willingness to sacrifice happiness for the sake of stability.

    The North Node in Scorpio path is one of enriching emotional depth and complexity despite its many challenges.

    Transformation isn’t effortless; it demands action and commitment. Becoming one’s true self is hard work, and this is what the polarity of the South and North Node teaches us.

    In order to move beyond what traps us in the status quo, we must be open to the chaos of metamorphosis.



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    About the Author:

    Cassidy Scanlon is a queer poet, Capricorn, and astrologer witch who received her BFA in Creative Writing from Chapman University. Her work has been featured in L’Éphémère Review, Loaf Mag, and Medium. She seeks to synthesize the magical with the scientific on her astrology blog Mercurial Musings. You can follow her on Twitter @sassidysucklon.


    featured image via Pexels



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