Codependency by another Name: The New Age-ifying of Relationships

    by Angela Kaufman

    Perhaps you’ve heard this line before, even in your own mind:

    “I’m looking for my Twin Flame/Soul Mate/Insert-Catch-Phrase for a special relationship…

    The kind of relationship that will help us ascend to higher dimensions where we will experience simultaneous orgasms and cry rainbow tears….

    A strong connection with all the power of the many lifetimes we were together…..

    When we walk down the street, the sounds of 1970’s love songs will spring forth from every car radio we pass, because the energy of our bond is so undeniable….”

    How in the world is a mere mortal man or woman to live up to this fantasy?

    We embarked on a conscious path, determined to leave the mainstream socially-constructed fairy tales behind.

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    But have we become seduced by a New Age-y codependent love story instead?

    In our attempts to form more perfect unions, we often go in one of two directions. In the first, we become susceptible to spiritual  bypassing in the romance realm. Especially those of us who sense the energetic connections with others. We feel a bond and go to town interpreting it.

    We tell ourselves “this must be my Soul Mate/Twin Flame/Insert special designation here, and because I am feeling this person’s energy and feeling intense emotions connected to it I have found ‘the one’….cue 70’s music, bring on the rainbow tears.”

    We insist on our interpretation of this bond, sometimes in spite of evidence that said relationship is downright volatile. In fact, some of the writing on Twin Flame relationships romances this volatility.

    We project an image of what we think the connection we feel is supposed to mean to our potential love interest.

    When mundane old reality breaks through in between bouts of mind blowing ascension sex with rainbow tears, we feel disappointed.

    We ask ourselves: if we are convinced this person is our key to the highs of ascension and rainbow-tear love, then why can’t they manage to ‘get it together’? Why don’t they express themselves in the way we want them to? Why can’t they read our minds, heal our wounds? Be the Ascended Knight in Shining Aura we wanted them to be?

    Worse yet, perhaps the interdimensional rainbow-tear love affair doesn’t even happen. Reality catches up with our fantasy and we feel somehow betrayed by the other person.

    Or we tell ourselves that it is our mission to convince the other person that they are, in fact, our Soul Mate/Twin Flame/ Rainbow-Tear Ascension Partner (#RTAP, this could become a thing).

    In this extreme, we may remain fixated on unhealthy relationships convinced that somehow it is our duty to enlighten the other person.

    By sharing our special healing energy, we tell ourselves, we will be able to awaken the divine in our partner and help them move beyond their failings, to a more spiritual place where they will become the…you guessed it….ascension level rainbow-tear partner we have been desiring.

    And when they don’t become the person we want them to be, we feel resentful.

    Perhaps we assign them a new title. No longer Soul Mate or Twin Flame, we accuse them of being a Narcissist.

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    Now don’t get me wrong, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an actual thing, unlike rainbow tears. It may be more or less common than ascension sex and simultaneous orgasm.

    But it is a thing. It has also become a catch-all to describe any pattern of behavior one doesn’t like in another.

    Which could include truly narcissistic acts, but could also include the failure of another person to fit into the specifications we project onto them.

    The answer to our perceived abandonment. We feel re-wounded when it becomes clear that someone we were counting on to fulfill our own subconscious agendas has free will of their own.

    Recently in a coaching session, a woman expressed her frustration at several men she had invested time and energy in. In spite of her efforts, they had not become the men she wanted them to be. She saw herself as a victim because they had not played along with the rules of the game she had invented in her mind and projected onto them. What was she missing?

    Self awareness.

    What, I asked her, was in all of this for you?

    She had gotten so wrapped up in trying to maneuver these men into fitting a mold she had created that she was not looking at her own role in any of these relationships.

    She also wasn’t looking at what she believed to be lacking in herself that would make these relationships, one especially which was quite unhealthy, attractive.

    How do we stop the insanity?

    Start looking in the mirror.

    Understand that any relationship is only acceptable and allowable because we have deemed, on some level, that this is the right fit for us at this time.

    If a relationship is one sided, or no sided, or completely make believe, or unhealthy, we need to ask ourselves what we are holding onto that fits our current view of ourselves and our lives.

    Why is this acceptable even if it is not desirable?

    We also need to get clear with ourselves.

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    What do we feel we are missing, and how are we projecting this need onto others? Do we want to feel extra special? Is that why we need to feel a connection to a Soul Mate/Twin Flame or other special designation?

    I believe in Soul Mates, but not in the Hallmark Card version of this concept that has caused confusion and grief for so many people. We have numerous Soul Mates and we will meet them. We can’t help but meet them.

    We are significant teachers for each other and there is no hiding from this. But the Soul Mate relationship is not a guaranteed forever relationship nor is it a guaranteed easy relationship.

    In fact, a whole lot could be resolved if we could accept that there are no guarantees of anything.

    Because even in a deeply loving relationship, individuals are entitled to make their own choices. We grow on our own paths and sometimes these paths overlap for a long time or a short time.

    The eventual parting of ways doesn’t negate the power of the connection or significance of the relationship when it was needed.

    I don’t mean to imply that we should be fickle about our relationships or treat the people in our lives as disposable. Yet we need to shift from the indoctrination of love as ownership/partners as property and Soul Mates as “the One” in order to get out of our own way.

    Perhaps then we will find the ascension level rainbow-tear love we have been longing for.



    If this essay resonates with you, please join our WITCH email list by using the forms on this website so we can stay in touch.


    About the Author:

    Angela Kaufman is an Intuitive Empowerment Coach, and author of the upcoming book, Queen Up! Reclaim Your Crown When Life Knocks You Down- Unleash the Power of Your Inner Tarot Queen (2018, Conari Press). She specializes in blending the mystical and mundane to help women at the crossroads connect with their core sources of power to overcome obstacles. For more information visit her website.  Follow Angela on Facebook, Twitter,and Instagram.


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