by Karolina Boldt
I’ve been absent for a long time. I’ve taken that time to process and figure out some stuff that’s been weighing heavy on my soul. Slowly emerging again…
Not too long ago, I’ve been talking with a guy friend about all things kink, healing, health, (s)experimenting and desire.
We had quite regular meetings to talk about just everything, but mostly circled back to the more sexually-charged stuff.
Something really painful came up for me, and I’ve been feeling self-conscious around it for a little while now. I decided to look it straight in the eyes.
Biologically speaking, I’m in Crone- mode. Crone is the sage old witch, who has left the states of Maiden and Mother behind her.
It’s paradox, since I’m still raising a child (mostly only on weekends and holidays, though – she’s attending boarding school).
After my triumph over cancer, my body never bounced back to managing to maintain the healthy hormonal levels that would be typical for someone in their 20s, now 30s.
My reproductive hormones had basically disappeared, their levels tended towards zero.
I took hormones for some time, thus made sure my bones stay strong and my body would run on an artificially induced monthly cycle.
I’d have sort of a healthy libido and feel like a normal young woman who’d won her life back.
At some point, taking all those pills, gels, pharma-chemical stuff didn’t sit right with me anymore. I dumped everything and just let my body be the way it was without any medical interventions. I felt good.
Slowly, though, my body got weaker, I battled with fatigue (deep states of exhaustion) more often, and the fatigue-phases kept stretching over longer and longer periods of time.
I had relationships and situationships, my body did “function” properly, but I simply wasn’t into sex like pre-cancer.
A year ago, I took a time-out from dating and dedicated most of my time and attention to myself. Since then, I’ve worked through a lot of stuff, and recently I also looked into my health. I had a big-ass health check-up. There were many tests and blood counts.
I saw where my body lost energy. And I also had to accept that I either get comfortable with my Crone status, or need to find ways to get a more age-typical hormonal balance and activity back.
I’ve gotten lots of holistic, energy-related, and nutritional advice now. I’ve found the optimum supplements to provide my body with the lacking vitamins and minerals. I might start taking natural hormonal supplements – just give it a shot and see where it will take me.
One question that arose was why I was fighting being a young Crone.
And what I came up with was the objection that I didn’t feel Crone-y at all. Still figuring out lots of stuff, still having that hunger and drive (that got only dulled by the inability of my body to be matched with the necessary energy).
Also not feeling like I had gathered much wisdom, not wanting to take on the role of the advice giver, the protector of knowledge. Actually feeling rather blank in general.
Taking on the Crone thing would mean to admit that I had more power and wisdom than I showed and tapped.
It would mean to navigate darker areas, whereas I consciously felt like I had missed out on warmth, light, and blooming.
But there are also flowers that bloom in autumn.
And whats more, we always have access to all qualities: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. This stuff isn’t linear.
And maybe that’s another lesson that I’m learning right now. Going through it at a very literal and physical level.
Generally speaking, I’m grateful to be alive. It was my 9th re-birthday a few weeks back.
I’m having amazing friends, I even reconnected with my mother (that was a big theme that cost me lots of energy, too). I’m doing lots of work around grief, and my all-time favourite topic, surrender. Softening into what is. Plugged-in to the flow of things.
And trusting that things are ok.
Speaking of the Crone “issue”, grieving the absence of raging libido and lust, I’ve learned that I can still be VERY sexual. And that’s some exciting stuff. In exploration mode with this right now…
I’ve learned so much about energy management (body, mind & soul), about nutrition, about transitional phases in life, about resilience, about holistic healing processes…
And looking at this, I guess I have actually gathered a LOT of expertise, experience and wisdom^^
Whether you’re happy with who and where you are or not, or how things are going for you or not – acknowledge, embrace.
Also: don’t keep silent.
Seek ways to connect, keep expressing yourself. Give yourself time and space to explore where you’re at. And don’t miss to take in the great view over complaining how things aren’t the way you’d want them to be.
Enjoy your humanness. That’s all.
And if you need someone to support your journey – you know where you find me. We’re in this together.
About the Author:
Karolina Boldt is a Coach, Healer, and Writer. She has a Ninja-warrior survival record, and can often be found in the thick of deep transformational work, which made her gain quite some expertise in breakdowns and breakthroughs, She has a deep love for crystals and sigils, and she can’t live without chocolate. You can connect with her via her website Disobey With Grace or facebook.
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