by Angie Welton
The following words are something I wrote some (near) seven years ago. And when I read it this morning it absolutely still resonated…but in a different way….I’ll let you read it first:
Driving The Change – and yes I pinched the title from a car ad across the road from the coffee shop I was sitting in!!
Regarding the subject of loss.
Loss brings about vunerability – whether it’s losing a pair of your favourite shoes, losing control during a moment of clarity or passion, losing a loved one through death or abandonment, even losing an argument or fastly-held-onto ideals.
Anything lost immediately (for most of us humans anyway) brings about that knee-jerk reaction of being exposed because we no longer have that security blanket.
And something else inevitably rushes in to fill that void – usually FEAR.
The definition of fear is: “A painful emotion or passion excited by the expectation of evil or the apprehension of impending danger”
Locke defines it as “…an uneasiness of the mind, upon the thought of future evil likely to befall us.”
After watching Brene Brown’s video (twice) last night on Wholeheartedness I have since been questioning my own need to ‘excuse myself from vunerability’ – in certain circumstances.
For the most part I will put myself out there, striding forward in my own way, sometimes focused (blinkered in others’ views), othertimes painfully aware of what is going on around me. But striving to be open to new experiences and learn from them.
Considering that as a child I was painfully shy and rarely said a word – always watching (and I still people watch!), I take some stock from the fact that putting myself out there can be hard work sometimes, but worth the uncomfortable moments.
It’s how I have managed to have such amazing friends and family who surround me.
It has to be said though that there are times (more so in the last 6 years) when something else kicks in – and that openness which can be work to keep unobstructed, just snaps shut with a bang.
End of story, no discussion – which is not only incredibly draining (the flow of energy being suddenly cut off), but is demoralising too. It’s like all the work was for nothing and you’re back at square one. None the wiser as to why this has landed on you.
That is until you decide to peek at the scabby, pussy mess under the plaster! Poking the fresh wound with a stick to see what has made it re-appear.
Fear. Fear of what? What has triggered this unsettling reaction?
Usually the initial trigger can be dug around to find it’s roots in vulnerability, facilitated by loss.
Even the seemingly small things lost can trigger an extreme fear response. And it can take a lot of digging to discover the absolute truth of why certain situations are a catalyst.
If you could describe what you fear in ONE word, what would it be?
BIG question, I know. And it’s making me scratch my head, because I fear many things: drowning; standing in front of a class of strangers and teaching; dying in a freak accident; what sort of world my son is growing up in.
But beneath all of these “surface fears” lies the real issue for me. And I always thought that it was abandonment I had issues with, but on deeper digging it’s more like rejection that I balk from and react strongly to.
So, when someone willingly or unwillingly rejects the person I am, the me inside which I have trusted them with, for them to not accept where I am at that moment in time (and reject the bits they don’t like) baffles me.
Because surely you either accept someone wholeheartedly, or you don’t (and if you don’t, then trying to change them, mould them into something else is doomed to fail and they will rebel!).
So, the rejection leads to the loss (of that connection, or the potential connection), resulting in feeling vulnerable and fearful, thereby closing off the energy flow and any hope of having love or compassion for another or yourself.
Being as the Universe is in a constant state of change and everything ends, one way or the other, facing my fear of rejection and loss is key to me being able to stay open and connected to the abundance of said Universe and have the ability to practice the giving of unconditional love to everyone, EVEN if they appear to reject the person I have shown them.
I <3 U – from the Universe!! Pic taken in Dorset (camping in a tent!), just before THE biggest electrical storm EVER!
I firmly believe that in order to be able to go out there and give of ourselves completely, we have to begin with ourselves.
No-one is going to do that for us. Small steps in self-belief and love are a firm base on which to build a tower of love and compassion.
And finally – almost! – last night, lying in my bed, in the silent dark, thinking on Brene’s video, I was almost overcome by an overwhelming sense of boundless energy (all big amazing words, I know, but conveying how it felt is almost impossible) – which initially made me feel claustrophobic, until I realised that I could either panic at the enormity, or I could be still and breathe and step inside and take it on.
Own your feelings, for better or for worse.
It’s amazing how this fundamental thinking is still resonating… and I’ve had fears come up since I wrote this – some big, some not so big.
My saving grace through it all has been my breath. Yes, I’m serious! Coming back to your breath when your body/mind is freakin’ out is the only way (for me) to get through it!
It works! It’s that simple!! Just breathe…….
And, this morning I am breathing in the intoxicating scent of the amazing Myrrh resin that Ian is burning in the Earth Temple :) It makes me go……..mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm and smiley!
The Path ahead is clear! Pic taken on a walk to Lullingstone
So, I have to ask… what is your deepest fear – the root of all those knee-jerk reactions?
Probing question, I know!
But, uncovering the myths about yourself and the world of illusion we see around us is the witchy-way-of-thinking!! ;)
Brightest Blessing All!
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About the Author:
Angie Welton is a Witch, High Priestess, Soundscape Artist and Teacher of all things Witchy/Occult. You can find her on Facebook on the wiTcHeS BaZAaR, or either of her websites the wiTcHeS BaZAaR or the Path of Witchcraft (for info on her courses!). She is also on Soundcloud.
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