by Kerrie Stroud
There is a voice that doesn’t use words. Listen.”~ Rumi
I can feel you deep down inside in that place that I pushed you so long ago.
You are alive, but your breaths are short and stifled. You are surrounded by darkness and fear. I feel the fear envelope me as I struggle to reach you.
I feel like I am searching through piles of dusty rubble, one stone at a time.
My dreams and goals sitting in a heap among the overgrown weeds. The dust is rising up, making it hard to see the sun.
I continue to dig in the dark because it is only in the dark that I can find the light.
Don’t be afraid; I will find you.
I can not give up because you have not given up on me. Your subtle nudges reassuring me that you have managed to stay alive in the oppressive environment in which I abandoned you.
When I left, I told you that I would be back, but time has a way of passing, slipping away.
To be honest, I am not sure when I first decided that there were parts of me that were unacceptable, undesirable, and unworthy. By being whole and complete, I was still not enough.
As the years wore on, you tried to get my attention. I understand; you were angry.
I had pushed you away. Your tone became louder, rougher and more aggressive to my heart and mind.
Eventually, your negative thoughts became my thoughts. Your ideas became beliefs that I felt were mine. Your voice was where fear resided, where expectations were never met, where happiness was never found.
Your voice began telling me stories of lies and sadness. You wanted to protect me, but instead, you immobilized me.
You made me afraid to make choices because it might not be the right one.
I couldn’t rely on the feeling in my gut anymore. You had dulled the sensations there. You now relied on perfectionism.
Your original voice had became muffled and weak, as though you were speaking through a closed door.
I realized I was the one who had built this barrier between you and me, this prison of hate, loss, and despair. A solid foundation that was erected on others’ expectations and my own personal feelings of self-doubt.
I wanted to be angry at you and at times, to give in to you.
But, I created you, the monster in the shadow. By ignoring the parts of me that I didn’t like, I had ignored you, as well.
Tears rimmed my eyelids as I reflected on that part of me that housed your voice.
It was a cold, dark, empty place because I hadn’t lit a fire there. I hadn’t sat down with you, offered you a cup of tea and tried to understand you.
I now know that you just wanted to be loved. You are, and have always been, a part of me, and together, we are whole.
While I bring you to the light, I must honor your darkness.
In return, I ask that you open the locked door to the shadow side, releasing my intuition from your chains of uncertainty.
Working with and coexisting with my intuition will create new choices for us, based on the wisdom of experience and the silence of reflection.
We both must embrace these changes, not just the parts we are interested in changing.
I am aware that building a relationship with you will open wounds, bare my soul and make me vulnerable. Still, I choose to trust that the rawness will pave the way for new growth.
I breathe.
I listen.
I accept.
I change.
Today, I put my arms around you, and thank you for your concern and limited boundaries.
Know that I am okay now. I am strong. I am not the same person I used to be. I love and believe in me now, all of me.
I want you to know that, together, we can be a force to be reckoned with. Authentic. Whole. Magical.. Together, we can bring real feelings and thoughts into words. We can grow and heal together.
We are the soul of all that matters.
About the Author:
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Merken
Merken