COMING TO TERMS OF WHO I AM WITH ARTWORK

by Tracy Moore

Now that I’ve made it into my 40’s, I have finally reached the point that I no longer give a damn what people think of who I am and what I do.

Even in so-called normal society, people who are psychics, mediums, and certainly witches are treated like second class citizens by many.

In the world that I grew up in, it was especially difficult. My family were members of the religious sect called the Jehovah’s Witnesses. As a person who grew up in that religion, I feel safe in deeming it a cult due to the extreme levels of alienation and mind control.

Even though I grew up in a house where strange things happened, I had seen spirits, and had known things which I had no way of knowing from a very young age, I didn’t share it with anyone because I was terrified.

Why was I so scared? There were a few different reasons for my fear. One reason was the teachings of the religion.

They taught that things such as fortune telling, consulting with mediums, communicating with spirits, and practicing witchcraft were things of the devil.

The words that people who did such things or sought them out would be rejected by God and doomed to an eternal death with Satan himself were deeply ingrained in my brain, even into my heart.

(Meeting My Madwoman ~ original work of the author)

The other reason for my fear of and for myself and my experiences were the stories that my mother and grandmother told. There was always weird stuff happening in our house, which my maternal grandfather had built with his own hands.

Things would move on their own, you would hear footsteps, there were raps on the walls, doors would open and close, you would hear glass shattering but find no broken glass, and you would see things out of the corner or your eye and in the shadows.

I can remember an experience one Summer night when I was around 5 years old, sitting on the patio with my mother, grandmother, and older sister. We lived on a little hill and the patio sat at the edge of the yard which overlooked the gravel driveway.

It was pitch black outside, and all of a sudden we heard the sound of chains being dragged up the driveway. The sounds got louder and closer, until finally we got up and ran into the house just as whatever was making the noise reached the top of the hill.

It was late at night, but I was so afraid that I felt as though there was no way that I would ever sleep again.

The three of them came into my bedroom and sat on my bed and floor until they thought that I had gone to sleep. After they had left my room and went into the kitchen, I listened as my mother and grandmother talked about how my grandfather’s mother had been a witch who had put a curse on the land and house.

According to their stories, she had been against his marriage to my grandmother and decided to hex the ground that she had given him.

My mother and grandmother completely vilified witches. Their anger and terror over what was going on in our house only served to shore up the words of the religion in my mind.

Over the years, I had heard so much anti-witch propaganda that I not only felt that my soul was in danger, but I hated myself.

Surely, I had to have done something wrong to be able to see and know the things that I did. This went on for years. Finally, at the age of 16, I left their religion.

I spent the next four years looking at other types of Christian churches to try to find a better explanation for what was happening to me.

As you might have guessed, the comfort and the answers that I yearned for were not found within the walls of any church and it sure wasn’t inside the covers of a Bible either. So, at the age of 20, I bought my first book about magick.

I’ll never forget that little book and how much at home I felt reading it. The very first time I tried one of the rituals inside, it felt so right.

Then, self doubt and horrible feelings of guilt crept in. As I continued to do for two decades, I threw away my beloved pagan materials and went out and bought a Bible, or a Torah, or some other Abrahamic religious text and tried to rid myself of my own essence.

Over and over again, I swapped sets of religious texts and items.

Let me tell you, this is no way to live. Sadly though, many of our kind have lived just that kind of life. Some of us make it through the storm a lot faster than I did, but I suspect that a great many never do.

That makes me sad. For the past several years I have been very much at home with my pagan self, my witchy self, my card reading self, my psychic self, and now finally…my medium self.

(Woman At Peace ~ original work of the author)

What helped me to make the switch? I grew tired of all of the hatred and contradiction in mainstream religion.

My issues with religion have left me with a sour taste in my mouth for anything which resembles a narrow label, much like what was written about here.

More importantly, I was finally able to understand that not only was I okay, but that much of what they taught was against everything that I felt and believed.

I began to wonder why in the hell I had ever wanted their approval anyway. It also helped that I moved far away from my hometown.

While I had been okay within myself for a few years before I made my final move away from my extended family, I had always had to live a secret life. There was always a fear hanging over my head that they would find out about me, and that there would be a horrible price to pay for who I was.

For over 30 years, I lived a life which was so full of the seven signs of this article, that I admit to being very unhappy.

Now that I’ve been away from there for several years I have worked as a professional psychic, mentored others, and have a very much out in the open online presence.

Putting that distance between myself and those who were part of my self loathing was the best thing that I could have done.

I know that many of them have seen my materials and know all about what I do, and frankly I just do not care. It is better than simply not caring though. At first, I felt this sense of righteous indignation toward many of them.

Now though, I feel a mild form of pity for some of them and an indifference for the rest. It just doesn’t matter to me what they think about me or how they conduct their own lives.

My beliefs have grown and changed somewhat over the years. There was so much material to digest. In the beginning, I read a lot of stuff that taught that you were always supposed to be positive, light, white, and bright…no matter what.

Over the years, I have learned not only to appreciate, but to embrace the gray areas.

I have done much work in the shadows and now have no problem whipping up protection and defense energy. While it is still true that I do not go out of my way to hurt anyone, I no longer leave myself wide open for attack.

I also no longer have a problem seeking material gain. I just make sure that I always make clear that my gain not cause a lack for anyone else.

(Darkness and Light ~ Photo taken by author)

What it all boils down to is truly understand both the light and dark sides of nature and ourselves, and being able to release the fear of that balance in order to work with it and within it. Now that I’ve finally allowed myself the freedom of loving who and what I am, I never want to be any other way.

These days it is no longer about who I am good enough for. Rather, it is about who is worthy of my presence or who I choose to allow in my life. No, my life isn’t perfect. After all, this is a learning experience. I will however, say that I am happier now than I’ve ever been and that it just keeps getting better with each passing year. I’ll also say that I am very happy that I now identify so much with this article.

featured image: “flow” by Tracy Moore

About the Author

Tracy is a woman with a lifelong love of all things creative who wears many hats including artist, poet, and writer. She is also a gifted intuitive who uses many different tools to assist others in healing themselves from the inside out and to tap into their personal power.

Even though she has a dark and mysterious side, when things get too heavy she channels her inner pixie and brightens the room by filling the air with glitter and laughter.
You can check out her website where she posts a little bit of everything; ranging from short articles encouraging people to tap into their personal power, mini-workshops on subjects such as meditation and crystals, poetry, fiction, some of her artwork, and information on getting a reading or intuitive services.